13. Dick goes to town

Hi, I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick

Patch and I considered what the Eggheads had said about using all the resources available to make our way in the Big Society.  "I think it's time to explore, " I said to him "I mean we've both been through a pretty rough patch Patch, all considered."
After he'd stopped licking his scrotum he gave me his full attention.  "What do you suggest then?"
"I think we should head straight for the city and see what's on offer."
Patch flopped down in his basket with a sigh. "Do you mind if I stay put, I'm all beat up?"
It was true he looked a little tired and so I agreed he should stay at home.  I was however slightly concerned that this could become a habit and I'd be left holding the baby or puppy or whatever the term was when talking about a lazy mutt.

I hopped on the bus...

And so I hopped on the bus and headed for the bright lights.

I was astounded at the price of a one way ticket for a two mile journey.  I politely informed the driver that in the old days £1.80 would have bought me a night out at the Odeon, a bag of fish and chips on the way home and I'd still have change for a bottle of sterilised milk in the morning. He just shrugged his shoulders and jolted the bus forward so that the inertia sent me flying down the centre aisle towards my very expensive seat.  I had not experienced such a G-force since my happier Harrier jet days.  Not bad for a clunky old diesel engine though I thought.

As people got on I could see that the white haired ones weren't putting any money in the slot.  Instead they had some kind of pass which they waved in front of the driver who ignored them before trying out his G-force experiment again to help them to their seats. At the next stop a very attractive young lady in a mini skirt mounted the step.  She smiled and paid her fare.  The driver smiled back and said hello before turning around in his seat to make sure she had found somewhere comfortable to take the weight off her stilettos.  Once she was firmly seated he smiled at her again before moving gently forward and we continued into the city.  Fares had risen but chivalry at least was not dead.

I looked around at my silent fellow travellers and detected a kind of sadness.  They all looked like they wanted to be somewhere else and not on the number 11.  Perhaps they were on a quest for a better life or maybe they were just going shopping? Whatever had caused them to mount this joy-mobile I did not know, but I for one could hardly wait to get off to find out more about the Big Society.

This is Dick Everyman signing out.

12. Dick, the terrorist and a deaf dog

Hi I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick.

With their new found brain power the Eggheads kept me awake all night with their excited chatter.  They didn't wake Patch though, being half deaf he had devised a way of sleeping on his good ear to block out any intrusive noises.  In short he was a pretty useless watch dog but his companionship made up for all his other faults.  I switched on the radio and heard something about a massive international terrorist being killed and how the world was now going to be a safer place.  If society had to depend on Patch then they could forget that notion I thought.  But I was intrigued all the same.

I asked the Eggheads about him and they filled me in on all the gory details.  After a good half hour's chat 44 Lupin Drive had never felt so safe and Billy Boulton was a real pussy cat in comparison to the mass murdering terrorist they told me about.  The Eggheads then went on about democracy and freedom and the way in which a thing called 'social media' was uniting people and communities around the world and causing them to challenge their leaders to change society.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

They spoke of a man called Mahatma Gandhi who used a campaign of non violence to finally win his country's independence until he was himself assassinated by people who believed in armed struggle.

He once said "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" which made me think about the man they had just killed.  "Social media" said the Eggheads, "lets the world see everything and nothing at the same time..."

I pondered for a while and thought of poor Patch, "Being half deaf," I responded "means you have to listen harder too." 

I thanked the Eggheads for their wisdom and made myself a comforting cup of tea and some toast.  Was this what the Big Society is all about then?  I was confused, it was one thing bringing down governments and fighting tyrants but becoming a volunteer for the Women's Institute was quite another thing in my book unless perhaps they had an armed wing?

This is Dick Everyman signing out...

11. The Eggheads get their brains together

Hi, I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick

The farm was now behind us...

The farm was now behind us, but the road back home proved a hard one.  Yvette always said that before you embark on any journey you need to choose your travelling companions very carefully.  She was right.  Patch stopped to sniff at every tree along the route remarking on all the scents he came across.  "Huh, Snicker's been here, he's a chocolate labrador.  He lives over at Long Lake so don't know what business he's got around here.."  and so he went on and on.  But his own foxy smell was becoming more pungent and I told him he'd have to have a hose down if he was to meet the Eggheads. 

"I haven't had a bath in two years!  If this is the way of the Big Society I don't want any part of it."  He was adamant.  But so was I.  "Look Patch.  You either smarten up your act or you go back to the old shack.  I want us to have a clean start so think about it.  Just because you're down it doesn't mean you have to be out as well."  The closer we got to the house the more he started to come around to the idea of a good soak.

And so after a short while we were back at Lupin Drive where Patch dutifully stood under the hose pipe for his spring clean.  After a hearty shake he accompanied me into the kitchen where the Eggheads gave a cheer at the site of their new eggs. 

"Welcome back Dick!"  They said as I introduced them to my new companion. 
"This is Patch, he's an unemployed sheepdog, and disabled too as he's only got one ear."  The Eggheads looked at him with a great deal of sympathy.  I carried on filling their empty crowns as he returned their gaze and said, "I don't consider myself disabled, I mean I don't walk on my ear do I?"

As I put the final egg in place the surge of brain power was almost tangible.  They muttered amongst themselves then said excitedly, "Patch, you will need to learn how to use the system."
"System?  What system?" he asked.

Dick crowns the last Egghead

"The system that is in place to support all members of society be they black, white, gay or straight, old, young, able bodied or disabled."
Patch scratched his head.  "Well I'm certainly black and white but my sexual preferences are definitely not open for discussion."
I stepped in, sensing a long debate.  "You don't have to tick every box Patch.  Just one from the list of criteria will do.  They are just saying that all men, and dogs are equal."
He relaxed slightly and seemed satisfied with my explanation. 


"Well that's all right then, all things being equal." 
The Eggheads breathed a collective sigh of relief and continued.
"You must learn about these criteria.  These are the tools of the Big Society and so your disability may be a blessing in disguise."
I liked their reasoning. "So tell me Eggheads, where do we start?  How do we unlock the secrets of the Big Society?"
"Get out there and explore. Use the system and all of its resources and soon you will reveal the bigger picture."
A wave of excitement passed through me.  My quest was now underway.  Like Professor Cox I was on the verge of understanding a new system, a brave new world lay ahead of me, and Patch.  Soon I would discover the Big Society in all of its magnificent glory.
"Thank you Eggheads, thank you for your wisdom."

This is Dick Everyman signing out.

10. Dick meets some chicks

Hi, I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick

Patch and I were almost ready set off on our road to discovery but first we had to collect the eggs for the Eggheads.  If any answers to the Big Society were to be found then this was our best hope.

He told me what happened next after being kicked into the stream by Billy Boulton.  After floating for some distance he found himself washed up next to a field full of sheep.

"I couldn't believe it Dick," he said "It was my Eureka moment, I knew straight away that I'd found my true vocation."

I consoled Patch as best as I could...

He made his way to the farm house where a friendly farmer took him in in exchange for a bit of work on the farm, mainly working with the sheep or chasing away trespassers.  The farmer also had a massive dairy herd which needed managing too.  They got along fine, enjoying each other's company and working through the seasons to keep the farm profitable.  But it all changed one day with a letter from something called Tesco.  It was a big organisation that bought milk from all the farmers in the region and sold it to their customers.  They decided to pay less for the farmer's product and the farm eventually fell into ruin.

I consoled Patch as best as I could and assured him that things could only get better with the Big Society.  We would all be better off with nothing to worry about in future.  Tesco would surely start to help farmers now and everything would turn out fine.

"Come on old boy, let's go and get those eggs."  With that we left the shack and made our way to the chicken runs.

So there we were.  The two musketeers on our way to seeking our fortunes.  I breathed the cool morning air deep into my lungs and felt amazingly invigorated.  To have a fellow traveller to share my experiences with was a huge bonus and together we could find the answers to the Big Society.

The oldest hen came forward...

The chickens greeted us with a few clucks and agreed to let us have half a dozen eggs.  We chatted for a while and I was keen to have their thoughts on the Big Society.

The oldest hen came forward.  "I don't think we are typical," she said.  "You see this is a bit of a matriarchal set up.  We dispensed with the rooster some time ago and as a result of that we have a perfectly run society."

I scratched my head. "You mean you don't need men?"

She turned to her sisters as they laughed out loud.  "No dear.  Men are too controlling, too self obsessed and when they get power they mess everything up completely."  She scratched the ground hard as if to underline her comments.  The other hens nodded in agreement.

Remember that small is beautiful...

"Big societies are usually run by Mr Bigs dear, otherwise known as ego maniacs.  Remember that small is beautiful after all."  She beckoned me to follow her into the coup.  "Now come and get those eggs or they'll soon be hatched!"  She giggled once more.

The only maniac I knew was Billy Boulton and the thought of him sent a shiver down my spine.  Just as I climbed into the pen I saw Patch contentedly rolling in a pile of fox waste.

The journey was going to be a tough one.

9. Dick meets Patch

Hi, I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick

As I walked up the road I took in my surroundings and saw the familiar fields and farms in the distance.  Like the house in Lupin Drive nothing much had changed in the last 43 years except that now there was a new ruling elite with this strange conundrum called the Big Society.

My friends the Eggheads gave me answers or made observations on most subjects.  They even empathised with my situation and my long incarceration in the attic.  They quoted a famous black man called Nelson Mandela who lost his freedom for many years. "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."  It made me think, though perhaps too much.  

Who or what was inside?

Maybe I should just accept the Big Society even though I don't understand it.  If I had been free I would not now be tormented by the changes in myself and instead get on with living my life without questioning everything around me.  It was then that the shack came into view.  Beyond which stood the chicken coops, my real destination.  But there was something drawing me to the shack.  Some strange compulsion to enter.  Who or what was inside?  The Eggheads would have to wait a little longer for their eggs.

I crossed the rough ground along the overgrown path towards the unloved building.  The rusty tin roof still provided some protection from the elements but nature was slowly encroaching all around.  Time had not been kind and the neglect became more and more apparent as I drew closer.  

I saw something move in the corner

For some reason I knocked on the door, as if expecting to encounter someone, but I knew I was being polite for no reason.  I walked inside.  Rays of sunlight cut through the dark interior illuminating the walls and floors.  A metal wood burning stove and a few broken chairs filled some of the floor space.  On the walls were dusty shelves containing iron pots, forgotten pickle jars and a couple of chipped tea pots.  I saw something move in the corner.  It was a dog.  It stretched and yawned then sat up in surprise when it saw me.


Hello, boy "I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick."

The dog looked forlornly at me and then I recognised him.  It was Billy's old dog, Patch.  


"Patch is it really you?"  He studied me carefully.  "You remember me don't you?  We used to belong to Billy."


His eyes lit up and he turned towards me, slowly revealing his face.  To my horror he only had one ear and his stuffing was showing through in places.

We sat and talked for hours...

"Hello Dick, " he said "It's been a long time,"


We hugged each other and for the first time in 43 years I experienced true warmth and friendship.  We sat and talked for hours about the Boultons and especially Billy who had thrown Patch into a stream and watched him float away.  But alas, he had no news of Yvette.  Still we had been reunited and to my astonishment Patch was as intrigued as I was about the Big Society.  Through the barking network he had heard tales of dogs being fed inferior food as if their owners were cutting back.  Of being taken out less with cars sitting on drives and used only for essential journeys. He had heard of family feuds involving shotguns or divorces and worst of all of dogs being kicked out into the street to fend for themselves.

"Dick, if there is a Big Society, we have to find it".  My poor emaciated companion was in need of help and so we decided to join forces in the quest.


"I can't believe I've found you Patch," I said "but first we've got to get some eggs."


This is Dick Everyman signing out...

8. Dick takes a long dark road

Hi, I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick

I imagined giant Lenin-like effigies...

My encounter with the political campaigner had left me non the wiser about the Big Society.  If anything I became slightly scared of it with his 'esteemed leader' that 'giant in society' whose visions would change the world we live in.  I imagined giant Lenin-like effigies raised up on the front of public buildings.  I saw them waving at us, the new model citizens, as we went about volunteering and singing songs about the joys of social mobility and the attributes of our glorious leaders.  We're we destined to become insignificant players in some kind of Big government plan?

But I had to shake off these negative thoughts and awful visions if I was to find the truth.  The Eggheads needed my help to fuel their brains so my quest for eggs was more important at this moment in time.  I remember the farm down the road where Mrs Boulton used to take young Billy and his sister Brenda, to see the goats and the chickens and the time he threw me into the pig slurry.  It would be a difficult journey but I was on a mission and needed to focus on the future.  The Eggheads would surely come up with more answers once I had met their request.

Perhaps Billy had broken all the glass...

As I slipped through the back door and down the garden the coast seemed clear.  At least the cat was nowhere to be seen.  Over the fence, where once there stood a magnificent green house there was now a polythene tunnel. Perhaps Billy had broken all the glass?  But, the familiar white cottage which lay at the end of the lane to the farm was still there and that brought me some comfort.

I felt incredibly alone and decided that on my return, should I return, I would make enquiries about Yvette.  Maybe the Eggheads had seen her or perhaps had news.  I refused to believe that she could simply disappear from my life.  Yes, it had been 43 years since I had last seen her but surely, if she had survived Brenda's abuse she would also be looking for me?  I felt a tear in my eye, but undaunted I made my way through the gate.

Trees loomed above me...

The road ahead was darker than I remember.  Trees loomed above me and the farm seemed a long way off.  All around me I could hear the sound of bird song which spurred me onwards.  If the Big Society had any heart and soul, I thought, then people would have more opportunities to capture these simple pleasures.  Unlike the decades that had gone before there would be no working long hours, or scratching for a living or the fear of poverty.  People would not have to worry what lay ahead for their children, as Mr and Mrs Boulton had done as they worked day and night to keep their family together.

As I got closer to the farm I felt more and more positive about the way ahead but beneath it all I hoped that the 'esteemed leader's' vision was not a future nightmare.

This is Dick Everyman signing out...

7. Dick and the Beanstalk

Hi, I'm Richard Everyman but people call me Dick

The little guy was very friendly and seemed like someone I could relate to, plus like me he enjoyed his tea weak with no sugar, so we already had something in common.  I decided that I would leap straight in and ask him about the Big Society.

He spluttered into his teacup

"Ah," he said "The Big Society, a lot of people have been asking me about that."  He took a sip of tea before continuing.  "The Big Society was invented by our esteemed leader in answer to all the previous failings in society."
"Wow," I said "That's a biggy, so he's going to invest lots of money into society to make it better."
He spluttered into his teacup, then composing himself again he said "Er, no. Not exactly."
I was confused.  "I was always taught that to get something out of something else you had to invest in it."  I waited for his answer.

He studied his cup long and hard as if the answer would come floating to the top.
"It's not about money."  He shuffled uncomfortably
"How can you invest then if it's not about money?"
"It's about people investing more of their time and energy into things that the government previously invested their time, money and energy into."
His logic defied me. "How can they do that if they are at work?"
"They'll volunteer, won't they?  They'll take care of the sick and the elderly." There was frustration in his voice and I started to dislike him a little.
"You're not telling me anything about the Big Society, you're just saying people are going to volunteer all over the place after they've been at work all day.  They are going to be too knackered."
He frowned.  "The Big Society is not just about volunteering, it was dreamed up by a man of great vision a giant in society."
"I'm unemployed, how's he going to help me?" I decided to get down to brass tacks.
"You can move somewhere else to find work, the Big Society will make people more socially mobile."
"Like Dick Whittington?"  My retort seemd to throw him.
"Yes, if you like, like Dick Whittington."
"So I can walk to London with my mangy cat and seek my fortune?"
He stood up.  "If you are going to be sarcastic I'm leaving."
"Good," I said "and you can tell your giant I don't want paying in beans either, some of us need to earn a living!  We can't spend all day delivering picnic baskets to other people's grandma's."
He left without finishing his tea.

"Bravo! Bravo!"

A loud shout came from the corner of the kitchen.  It was the Eggheads
"Bravo! Bravo! Well done Dick!"  
I thanked them for their support but they could see I still hadn't solved the puzzle of the Big Society.
"Where do I go from here?" I said, shaking my head.
They muttered between themselves.  "Dick, in order to answer your question we need more eggs."
"I'm sorry Eggheads I don't understand"
"We have only been operating on a third of our thinking capacity.  Four of us have no Eggs."
They were right, only two of them had any eggs.  "Leave it to me," I said "I will go out and find some."
With their extra thinking power the Eggheads would surely answer the riddle of the Big Society.
"And Dick," they said "make sure they are free range."

This is Dick Everyman signing out...